My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
