Your tits are I can't wait for
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
