Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
