ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
