Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
