my phone needs a breathalizer
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
