I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
