I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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