i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
