I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
