I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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