I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
