So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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