I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
