If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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