I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
