your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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