I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
organizing the empties. That sober.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
