i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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