Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
