he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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