Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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