That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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