I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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