can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So vagazzling was a success
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My bed smells like the plague
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
