Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You are the jesus of drinking
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
