im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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