if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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