Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize