Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Im part way to drunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
