You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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