I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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