I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
