drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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