Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
