So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
