your thong is hanging out like whoa
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
