my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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