i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
