I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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