does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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