An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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