my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
