if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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