Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
