The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
