so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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