On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
