I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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