My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i think my cat just said my name.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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