He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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