Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
