ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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