Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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