I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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