Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
