my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
