Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
