I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
