I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
