so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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